My Experience with Loss

Everyone loses someone very close to them at some point in their lives. And it's with dealing with this loss that helps us transform us into the beings we are. Now I can only talk about my own experience and how it has affected me in my life. I lost my Grand-mother (Granny, as I called her) back only a few months ago, February 24th 2013. And it was unexpected really. She had been diagnosed two years ago, with Multiple Myeloma, a type of cancer that is found in the plasma cells, that is found in the bone marrow. After finally beating the cancer last year, it returned last January. This was her 5th time getting cancer.

My Mum had me at a very young age, and so she had to work, as well as my Dad. My Mum moved away with my little brother to Dublin, for her new job and my Dad traveled with his work. So I was brought up with my Granny and Granddad. My Granny was sent home just days before she died, because we were told there was nothing that could be done for her. I sat by her side everyday talking to her as though everything was ok. The last strength she had was when she squeezed my hand and to this day I'll never forget it. Her hands were warm as they normally were. I didn't feel afraid when she died, I was glad she was done with her suffering, but the shock and tension in the room was so over-powering. I cried just the once that morning, and I think I depended on other people for distractions. I wasn't ready to say good-bye to the woman who was more of a mother to me. And denial is what everyone goes through at first, with grieving.

I felt only shock and disbelief at her funeral. I didn't even think to glance at her coffin, it seemed to me like any other mass. Only when seeing my Mother and Aunts cry, tears would start streaming down my face. And I realized I had to be braver and stronger for them. I think it's selfish to think about only yourself at a time like that. I was needed else where for my Mum, and it's with this determination that helped me deal with her loss. I have such faith in that she is looking down on me, or that she is near me, that she can hear and see me. I want her to know that her family take care of each other, and that this makes us stronger. Knowing that we have people in our lives who look out for us. To feel alone in this world has to be the most scariest thing I imagine. How else would we get by each day? How would we smile and laugh? It's the people that we love and who have inspired us that shape us into our actual selves. I'll always remember the good times I had with my Grand-mother, I'll remember the stories she told me, and with these memories, they'll help me day by day.

I plan on making a dairy that will contain the most precious memories I have of her. And hopefully one day, I can tell future family members, nieces and nephews, what an extraordinary person she was. My Granny never complained in how much pain she was in, for the fear of upsetting me, well, I in return will do the same for her. I will not let her see me cry every night, I will show her how happy I am, how thankful I am for life. All I want is for her to be proud of me and in doing so, by living an adventurous and happy life as she did.

Just know that there are Councillors that deal with grief and are very helpful. Don't try to deal with it alone, because it'll be a life sadly wasted. Be courageous and ask for help.